Writing has been a
way for me to really understand what I’m feeling and to sort of empty my brain
onto paper (no worries, I won’t empty it all out or we could be here for days). That is one of the many reasons I am doing
this, but more so, to perhaps help someone else out there struggling. Helping someone else while I am struggling
myself is something Big Shawn taught me and I believe it would strengthen our
love and relationship through the veil.
Helping others would also make Shawn proud of me, which is something I
strive to do every day.
Sorry for any of
you out there that have been left hanging but most of you know that Shawn
passed away August 15th 2011. A little background on the days before August
15th, and really from his transplant on since that was the last time
I updated the blog. I am going to be
brief on talking about a lot of this because it is personal, and deeply painful
to think about.
After the transplant we stayed the rest of June and all of
July in the hospital. His counts
actually did start to recover and he began making good blood cells but his body
was so frail and since he was unable to walk or eat very well the doctors kept
us there for some rehab. Once they gave
into us begging to go home it was the beginning of August by then; we were
confident we could get Shawn feeling better at home before the birth of our son
which was scheduled to be August 17th. We
were able to spend one night at home in our new apartment which brought a lot of
strength and happiness to us both.
The next day Shawn
spiked a pretty high fever and we had to be readmitted to the hospital. Sometimes I wondered why it was that we were
only allowed one day at home before everything changed. But I now know that the Lord had a hand in
that, like so many other things he has. After
a few tests they told us that Shawn’s Leukemia had returned in spite of the
transplant and that there was really nothing else they could do. I won’t go into too much detail of my
reaction after that news, I’m sure you can guess what went on. Pure and intense
heartache, dreams shattered, happiness lost, despair, and fear for the future
were just a few of the things that went through my mind. Along with, will my husband ever meet our son
here on earth?
Soon after this Shawn and I had a brief discussion that I
hold dear and will never forget. One
thing we determined was that if it was at all possible we wanted to have our
son soon because the doctors did not know how fast the Leukemia would take his
life. We got in contact with my Nurse
midwife, Machel Knowles, and she immediately began pulling strings at McKay Dee
hospital and soon called to tell us that we could go to deliver that very night
if that’s what we wanted.
So we did . We drove
from LDS hospital to Mckay Dee hospital. After settling in and getting our room
arranged with two hospital beds next to each other (one for me and one for
Shawn) , we delivered our beautiful son on August 5th 2011. He was
just a few weeks earlier than his due date and perfectly healthy. Some of you probably knew that we had decided
to name our son Lucas so we could always remember the beautiful miracle he was
while we were battling Leukemia. Lucas
Shawn Barnes. Well I had other plans
from then on. Shawn agreed to letting me
name our son after his amazing strong Daddy.
So we named him Shawn Lucas Barnes.
It took some getting used to but from then on it was “Big Shawn” and
“Little Shawn”.
Here are a few pics of that day. Before this I had no idea the human heart
could inhabit utter happiness and utter despair at the same time. I can’t even describe to you all the feelings
I had during the delivery and the events leading up to it. But I do know that I was indescribably grateful
that Big Shawn was there with me, holding my hand, on the second best day of
our lives together. Little Shawn came
into this world in serene chaos, and completed our eternal family.
Many of you have asked how I am doing. This is one of the reasons I have wanted to
blog. But this question is not so easily
answered. Today was alright. Yesterday was good. And the day before that sucked. The expression take it a day at a time has
never been so real to me. It is going on
9 months since Shawn passed away. And the cloud of fear, anger, depression, misery,
and despair is starting to clear up. Does
this mean that I don’t cry or am not sad anymore? No. Will it ever be that way? No. Does this mean
that my life is back to normal? No. Will
it ever be? No. This chapter in my life
has forever changed me in so many ways. I
have been permanently changed and life will not ever be normal, because life
isn’t normal. However this chapter in my life is just that. A few months ago I would probably scream at
you if that’s what you called Shawn, a chapter of my life. But today I have accepted that. Even though Shawn has changed me for the good
and made me live life very differently he was not MY life. I have to remind myself that very often
because if Shawn was my life then what would make life worth living
anymore? So The Erin Book will have many chapters, and I will take what I have
learned of love and life from Shawn and use it to finish my own book.
People often ask me now if I’m back to work, which in my head
sounds like they are asking “So, are things back to normal for you?” I think
something people don’t realize is that my life doesn’t have a normal state to
turn back to. My normal life was thrown
out the window about a year and 3 months ago when Shawn was diagnosed with
leukemia. When everyone goes back to
their jobs, spouses, and running their kids around to various activities… Where
am I? I’m sitting at my parent’s home
with my son trying to establish a new normal.
Normal life for me is missing Shawn. He was my normal, and now that he
is gone, Little Shawn is becoming my normal.
If that makes any sense. That information is not vital for others to
know, but perhaps it will be one day when you talk to others in grief. Just know that it feels as though your world
is in upheaval. It is hard to watch the normalcy of others’ lives around you
continuing on without you. Well, since
I’m not here to tell you how depressing life can be, let me tell and show you
what me and little Shawn have been up to.
First, we went to Hawaii with my parents and some good
friends in October. It was so wonderful,
and very therapeutic to be in such a wonderful beautiful place with such
wonderful beautiful people. Ironically I
think I felt closer to Shawn in Hawaii than I did at home. It was almost as if we were both in heaven
together.
We also went to Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving to be with my
sister and her family. It was so fun. And here are a few pictures of Little Shawn growing up.
Now I don’t pretend to have the strongest testimony or to be
so positive all the time, but there are a few things out there that have helped
me. And maybe it can help someone else,
so I will share.
·
We are sent here to this earth for the purpose
of being tested. We hear many of these
things I’m about to share all growing up in primary. But for me, and many others, keeping this
eternal knowledge and perspective helps me to find my motivation to
continue. Some days even strive and
thrive. “Tests and trials are given to
all of us. These mortal challenges allow
us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow
His Son.”(-Robert D. Hales, Waiting Upon the Lord, October 2011) I choose to
follow His Son.
·
Sometimes I feel out-casted in ways. People understandably don’t know what to say
to me. Well let me put you at ease. I’m not going to punch you in the face or
break down crying in front of you for something you say. (Well, unless we are very close friends or
close family, and if that’s the case, I will always appreciate your words and
please just give me your shoulder to cry on.)
Haha, but if you are not one of these, say whatever you want… I don’t
take offense very easy, trust me. But
please don’t avoid me, it’s just weird.
Advice someone gave my cousin once was to ask me, “How are you today?”,
or even right now because it changes just that often. I thought that was
excellent advice. One more food-for-thought
when perhaps talking to a grieving person…
It irritates me when people say to me “I don’t know how you’re doing
it”. It makes me think, “O I’m sorry, I
didn’t know I had a choice! Are you telling me I can just ask to not deal with
it and it will magically disappear and perhaps Shawn will reappear? Please do
tell your all knowing secrets of how to do that!” Ha. There you have it, life inside my head
occasionally. Don’t worry if you have
said this to me, like I said I don’t take offense easily, I’m simply letting it
be known. When in doubt or at loss of
words, hugs and silence can be the best words.
·
It is a choice whether or not I will follow
Christ. Obvious statement, right? Well not
so for me. As some of you can imagine,
anger is a big part of grieving. Anger
at God for allowing or causing this to happen (neither of which
are true). My thoughts for a while were “Why
would I turn to God and Christ when they are the ones who did this to me?” I couldn’t blame my heartache on anyone
except them. I felt forced to follow
Christ and hated it. Everything I was reading was telling me to turn to Christ
if I wanted to heal. Pray to get comfort. Serve others and become more like Christ to
feel better. It made me so angry, so I
didn’t do these things for a while. That
would show Them, right? Wrong. I only
became more miserable. Anger consumed my
thoughts. To the point sometimes I hated
hearing anyone talk about their testimonies… scoffed in my head at them…like ‘yeah
easy for you to say…what have you been through?’ I subconsciously wanted the anger. Because maybe that was easier than the
sadness. But I now know that I cannot
heal without Christ. Without the
enabling power of the atonement as David A. Bednar says. It truly gives me strength to change my
circumstance. I have a very wise friend
and previous bishop tell me that if we can control our present, we can control
our past, present, and future. To me
this means attitude. I can choose to
fall and be crushed by all of this or I can ensure a happy past, present, and
future by trusting in the will of the Lord.
And I choose to be happy.
·
In grammar speaking - death is not an
explanation point, merely a comma.
–Elder Maxwell
·
Even though God doesn’t always answer your
prayers in the way you want, he always prepares you and gives you the
strength and the things you need to endure what is ahead.
·
The talk Trustin the Lord by Richard G Scott, given October 1995 general conference- also
amazing.
·
This last general conference helped me as well. So many I loved. To name a few, I loved what Elder Holland
said about envy, and that it is a sin. He said “Envy is a mistake that just keeps on
giving. Obviously we suffer a little
when misfortune befalls us. But envy requires us to suffer all good fortune
that befalls everyone we know. What a
bright prospect that is. Downing another
quart of pickle juice anytime anyone around you has a happy moment.” (ElderHolland, April 2012). This was
especially good for me, it’s hard to not look at all the marriages around me
and be angry that I don’t have my husband, it can drive you crazy if you let
it. So I’m working on not being
envious.
o
David Baxter, as a lot of you know, is our
family Hero. He gave me and Shawn
blessings in the hospital and became a good support to us. His talk to single mothers really inspired me.
Read it.
o
I loved what Ronald A. Rasband said about not
asking if someone needs help if you can see they are drowning, and just jumping
in after them. I have some amazing
friends and family that did just that. Although
the saying “let me know if I can do anything” is well-meaning, it is rare
someone drowning will be able to call out for help.
·
Preach my Gospel has some good quotes on
patience. “Patience is the capacity to
endure delay, trouble, opposition, or suffering without becoming angry,
frustrated, or anxious. It is the
ability to do God’s will and accept His timing.
When you are patient, you hold up under pressure and are able to face adversity
calmly and hopefully. Patience is
related to hope and faith - you must wait for the Lord’s promised blessings to
be fulfilled.” Also, “Life is full of difficulties, some minor and others of a
more serious nature. There seems to be
an unending supply of challenges for one and all. Our problem is that we often expect instantaneous
solutions to such challenges, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of
patience is required.” –President Thomas S. Monson. These quotes rang so true to me when I was in
the depths of despair, I just wanted time to get here already because they say,
“in time it won’t hurt as bad, in time you will feel happy again, in time you
will be happy for Shawn’s influence in your life instead of sad he isn’t here,
in time in time in time.” Well I wanted time to hurry the heck up. But this helped me to realize that the best
way to go through things is to just go through them. You can’t skip grief or rush through it to
get to the other side.
·
All your losses shall be made up to you,
provided you remain faithful. –Joseph Smith.
Well, you better believe I’m counting on that.
·
There are many people that help me get through
the hard times, but two that I really would be lost without are little Shawn
and my friend Tiffany Johansen. She
lost her husband recently as well. Talking
with her has been so beneficial for me, she might never understand my deep
appreciation of our friendship. And how
could this little guy not brighten your day?
Little Shawn with Uncle Jared
Little Shawn with Grandpa
I could go on forever on things I have read or people I have talked to that have helped me. These are just a few of my favorites. I hope I have helped somebody out there with this post, or at least helped you all to know that- yeah, some days are hard, but I am choosing to follow and have Faith in Christ. In the end, isn’t that what it’s all about anyway?
Thanks for the many prayers, they have been felt.
Love,
Erin & Little Shawn
